The Point of Having

How To Have A Sound Heart (3/7)

“You often say; I would give, but only to the deserving,
The trees in your orchard say not so, nor the flocks in your pasture.
Surely he who is worthy to receive his days and nights is worthy of all else from you.
And he who has deserved to drink from the ocean of life deserves to fill his cup from your little stream.
See first that you yourself deserve to be a giver, and an instrument of giving.
For in truth it is life that gives unto life-while you, who deem yourself a giver, are but a witness.”
- Khalil Gibran

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Disclaimer: This is one of eight parts in the faith-based series ‘How To Have A Sound Heart’ and can be read as a stand-alone.
However, for unclear terms: check the footnotes and links.
For disjointed concepts or more like this: start with the series index here, or navigate to the previous chapter here.

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In my decades of being here I’ve found my ability to care is inseparable from my ability to exist - despite the rebuking attempts to be affected less. Only recently was I told this is positive and not a weakness. That the distress felt looking at the dystopian world isn’t appalling, it’s natural. In George Carlin’s words, “it’s a normal human reaction to a nonsensical set of values where we have cinnamon flavoured dental floss and there are people sleeping on the street.”

You find yourself scrolling past dying children, their names unknown and faces blurred, lives ending before they began, and the next moment you’re watching someone lip-sync a punchline that wasn’t even funny. Or find yourself remembering global decisions are governed by the most sorry excuses of humans.

You know why it feels that way: the dissonance between human suffering and trivial distraction is not just emotional, it’s structural. A tiny fraction of people have accumulated nearly half of all global wealth - the richest 1% owns around 44% of the world’s wealth, while the bottom half owns not even a lick of that total.

Regardless of that daunting inequality, in this context, asking “What can one person do?” feels almost like conformity and defeatism by eight billion voices who would rather not act.

But the world does not change on autopilot; every social shift across history began because individuals refused to look away. Awareness of grotesque inequality, of children starving while others sip lattes, need not debilitate us. Instead it highlights that change is necessary precisely because survival, dignity, and justice cannot be outsourced to algorithms, televangelists, or billionaire philanthropists. They require the stance that one person - who chooses awareness over apathy - can catalyse real transformation.

It amazes me how Muslims should be at the forefront of that global change and how deeply rooted these concepts are in the Quran. The humility brought on by pondering the verses gives clarity, a weight of privilege, and companionship in hard times - along with a deep gratitude when you emerge from them. On the flip side, even at an individual level, when we see the forces at play other than our hard work which contributed to our success, we start asking “I’m alive and well, why was I given all this? What’s my purpose as I zoom out of my small life?”

وَإِن تَعُدُّوا۟ نِعْمَةَ ٱللَّهِ لَا تُحْصُوهَآ
If you tried to count Allah’s blessings, you would never be able to number them. {Quran, 16:18}

When we see the unfairness at play in the world, it may be better not to ask why God created suffering or speculate or blame, but rather acknowledge the myriad of tools and abilities He sent us with - to alleviate that suffering.

A quote that always bends my mind is “I ask God to send a swordsman, and God says ‘look at your hands’”.

It is easier to question the point of a God Who isn’t giving His worshippers whatever they wish for, and harder to open our eyes and be part of His ecosystem - one that demands change within and outside of the self. Sure, some conditions are beyond our control, but change starts small and unrealistic, when we strip away our delusion of helplessness and stop hiding behind laziness.

… ۗ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ لَا يُغَيِّرُ مَا بِقَوْمٍ حَتَّىٰ يُغَيِّرُوا۟ مَا بِأَنفُسِهِمْ
Indeed, Allāh will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves {Quran, 13:11}

This is a test; a simulation to see who is courageous enough to polish themselves and, inevitably, the world. While we endeavour for that, it is given that true and complete justice is not encountered in this world and this notion further solidifies the concept of the afterlife or the day of judgement, where matters are fairly settled.

Simply put, the introspection should make you realise that the point of having is giving.

And while charity is a fine concept in well-wishing societies, I’ve always had a problem with how much of our Qalb¹ the typical version of charity involves. The following is all superfluous to the obligatory concept of minimum wealth purification/redistribution or zakat.

Here are some hitches:

1. We engage in donations as if it’s a status symbol or hallmark of piety (doing it for eyeballs).

2. The first thing an organisation asks for support with is money, when in many cases, it could be a network, volunteers or skills - a true community centre functioning as one.

3. I have never been able to meticulously track where an online contribution goes and how that money is used for impact; who knows if a blockchain would be better suited here.

4. When we financially help an organisation, we subconsciously assume them to be indebted to us, even assume a class of people are indebted to us. We remind them of our generosity - causing harm to both the recipient and our heart with the expectation of reciprocation. That negates the point of giving.

5. Giving and doing things for the sake of Allah should be constantly checked for purity of intention and the perception we have of Allah. People give religious sacrifices like it’s a bribe (especially unwelcome in Islam); the money doesn’t go to Him. It’s for our becoming, with no addition made to His grandiosity - like any other good deed done in the path of Allah.

This verse and hadith elucidate the last two points:

۞ قَوْلٌۭ مَّعْرُوفٌۭ وَمَغْفِرَةٌ خَيْرٌۭ مِّن صَدَقَةٍۢ يَتْبَعُهَآ أَذًۭى ۗ وَٱللَّهُ غَنِىٌّ حَلِيمٌۭ
Kind words and forgiveness are better than charity that is followed by injury (or harm). And Allah is Self-Sufficient, Most Forbearing. {Quran, 2:263}

Allah says: “O My servants, if the first of you and the last of you, and the humans of you and the jinn of you, were all as pious as the most pious heart of any individual amongst you, then this would not increase My Kingdom an iota”

While I’m aware quite a few altruistic actions are at least done to stroke our own ego if no one witnessed it, I still see multiple benefits of giving - if done with, or in pursuit of, a sound heart.

Remember when we mentioned being a part of God’s ecosystem? How does one become drafted into that fleet?

Each human grows with some sort of edge, and without going into the ‘everyone’s unique’ gibberish (as then, no one is unique), we can agree there is something we can each do to be of service.

There are more effective ways than online donations (which definitely have their place): bottom-level actions, grassroots initiatives by friends and third spaces, individual help - of all forms - to strangers and acquaintances alike, using your skills and hobbies to create solutions, interacting with the people you are trying to help financially instead of distancing yourself virtually, softening your heart by showing affection to and regularly visiting an orphan instead of sharing a reel of them.

In whatever capacity you are engaging with a person or even an animal, how do you leave them better than you found them? How do you add to people’s lives - not so they can sing songs of your contributions - but because this is what you feel you’re born to do?

Being directly connected, intentional and useful about what someone needs. Just being kind when and in the way it matters. This is what should occur with being kind to yourself.

Prophet Isa عليه السلام embodied this in one ayah -

وَجَعَلَنِى مُبَارَكًا أَيْنَ مَا كُنتُ
He has made me a blessing wherever I go {Quran, 19:31}

A constant prayer to be made, on this note, and acted upon is:

اللهم استخدمني و لا تستبدلني
Oh Allah use me and don’t replace me (with someone else who will carry things out better)

Particularly about service and donation, it can’t be stressed how important it is to regularly see things being removed from your possession - the numbers going down, physically giving away clothes or food you bought, handing over a hot meal to someone who needed it more. To voluntarily beat the laziness hidden by consolations of minimal actions and maximum blame. To have the fortitude to face voluntary and therefore involuntary loss.

لَن تَنَالُوا۟ ٱلْبِرَّ حَتَّىٰ تُنفِقُوا۟ مِمَّا تُحِبُّونَ ۚ وَمَا تُنفِقُوا۟ مِن شَىْءٍۢ فَإِنَّ ٱللَّهَ بِهِۦ عَلِيمٌۭ
You will never achieve righteousness until you donate some of what you cherish. And whatever you give is certainly well known to Allah. {Quran, 3:92}

Wading deep into service is the only state I can think of where you demand from yourself the trio of true self-improvement: critical awareness, brilliant integrity or kindness, and purposeful endeavour.

Surprisingly, it all starts with micro-acts, the extra that gets added to the ordinary: a random act of kindness, choosing a softer word, accompanying someone asking for directions instead of robotically explaining and bolting, tidying your table at the restaurant after eating, asking the cashier if they are doing well too. These are easy but also easily overlooked.

This is when our Tazkiyah (purification of the soul) manifests as outputs. The test of piety is a sound heart, and that is silently gauged by the mercy you can have for people, and the mercy you can be to the worlds; what the Prophet ﷺ was sent for and prayed for help to carry out.

“We have sent you ˹O Prophet˺ only as a mercy for the whole world.” {Quran, 21:107}

اللهم إني أعوذ بك من العجز والكسل، والبخل والهرم، وعذاب القبر، اللهم آت نفسي تقواها، وزكها أنت خير من زكاها، أنت وليها ومولاها
O Allah! I seek refuge in You from the inability (to do good), indolence, cowardice, miserliness, senility and torment of the grave. O Allah! Grant me a sense of consciousness and purify my soul as You are the Best to purify it. You are its Guardian and its Protecting Friend.

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Unfortunately, something that often goes unaddressed in injecting the world with mercy and kindness is the level we owe to those closest to us, those most deserving of it from us. Also, those hardest to consistently do good by, despite the elevated levels of love between us. To swallow the bitter pill of our anger instead of spreading it like fire, to wish happiness on them even at the cost of us being wrong, to not use their vulnerabilities in our next argument. The selfish mindset of the lowest Nafs overwhelms us sometimes. This is when we keep score of how others have wronged us and therefore overstate negative memories that hold back positive actions between us.

Of course, it is human to expect good behaviour for good behaviour, but just this once, let’s talk about our responsibilities more than our rights - for if everyone understood and upheld the former, we wouldn’t be abusing the latter. (Besides, I’d never understate how mandatory, joint therapy sessions on responsibilities before milestones like marriage or having kids would greatly solve many familial issues we encounter.)

Sure, it can be simply disappointing to be there for people and then have to ‘throw it in the sea’ when the same energy or goodwill isn’t returned. But this practice is how we learn to not be miserly and, in all honesty, learn emotional maturity instead of childishness. It teaches you that to uplift yourself, you have to uplift others.

I’ve always heard it is better to be in a position of ‘giving more than taking more’. And this is exactly why actions, favours/deeds, words (as seen earlier), should be upright and not demanding or dragging others into our dark cloud. Why favours done out of your own volition must not bind the recipient with T&Cs of “when-I’m-in-need” reciprocal clauses. It’s why you respond with peace to those who speak harshly. At the least, it’s why you recognise others - say to someone striving, who will never benefit you, that you see them, that they’re doing well and you’ll be next to them.

People with trust issues, who want to protect themselves from being hurt (yet again), who don’t want to be taken advantage of, who are recovering people-pleasers, are justified in asking “how do you reconcile good treatment of others with self-preservation, lest you lose and spend yourself to the extent of emptiness?” Touché.

How do we protect our boundaries whilst having a soft heart that seeks good for and in others, without letting people crush that heart?

This Arabic quote may help:

أحسن الظن بالناس كأنهم كلهم خير، واعتمد على نفسك كأنه لا خير في الناس
Think well of people as if they’re all good, and rely on yourself as if there is no good in people.

A social balance easier typed out and read than trailblazed. It’s a tricky equilibrium to strike: maintaining positive assumptions of others to believe there is still good in the world without letting your heart harden, while also hoisting an armour of self-reliance and next-to-zero expectations from them.

What if everyone followed this in an ideal world and we’d have no worry about community, the functioning of society. If the norm was taking care of responsibilities, why would we have to think of rights?

Who can you realistically expect anything from, then? Is it just you against the unpredictable world?

This is when I think of the hadith that instils with more self-sufficiency (as far as people are concerned) than any other mindset does.

الرَّاحِمُونَ يَرْحَمُهُمُ الرَّحْمَانُ . ارْحَمُوا أَهْلَ الأَرْضِ يَرْحَمْكُمْ مَنْ فِي السَّمَاءِ
The Merciful One has mercy on those who are merciful. Show mercy to those who are on the earth, He Who is in the heaven will show mercy to you.

This is the most undeniable reason to be a mercy. If done with good intention, there is genuinely no recompense I know of - anecdotally and statistically - that isn’t returned to us in a divine way. Try it for yourself. Maybe not through the same person, in the same form, or at the same time, but it is unquestionably present - if only we are present to notice the subtle ways of the Most Merciful.

A final note is that the discussed methods of self-reliance, self-purification, self-development, self-utilisation, are all brilliant to unfog the Qalb - but maybe as deficient as a leaking bucket if done for the wrong reasons and intentions.

Read the next part here:

1. Qalb - The spiritual heart, the centre of consciousness and moral awareness in a person; it’s where God-awareness, intuition, and insight reside and from which reason and behaviour are guided.